Red One: Missão Secreta

Despite all the mythical creatures and goofy, comedic special effects, "Red One" is less fun than it should be. Any warm and fuzzy feelings generated by the film are immediately interrupted by an action sequence.

A Yuletide misfire that lands like a lump of coal.

Whether the locales are a generic American city or Aruba or Bavaria or the North Pole, everything looks computerized, digitized and sanitized.

[While] I am as cynical about the current state of the human condition as anyone, Red One taps into something honest and hopeful. Right now, with all that's going on in the real world, those aren't emotional states of being I want to take for granted.

The movie surrounds its mismatched stars with a whole lot of shockingly inconsistent special effects, preaching a sentimental yuletide message even as it looks like the height of soulless commercialization.

A high-concept offering that neglects the structural basics. It has enough going on to make it tolerable home viewing for half-attentive kids who are still playing with their presents, but rather than sparkling like snow, most of it is as dead as slush.

We all need a little Christmas now,but not this cynical cash grab faking it as holiday fun. The mind boggles that it cost $250 million to produce a big, bloated fiasco about Dwayne Johnson and Chris Evans saving kidnapped Santa (J.K. Simmons). Bah, humbug

It's neither naughty or nice, and in Santa's book, that likely means it just ends up getting nothing this Christmas.

Oozing peppermint machismo and unleashing frosty brawls, "Red One" will entertain action-loving kids and fans who like to see things blow up.

"Red One" is the holiday fantasy built on retribution, punishment and crushed hopes we deserve right now.

It's all gaudy wrapping with no substance.

The looseness feels refreshing - a nod to the kind of giddy, sloppy 1980s flick this wants to be, a child-pleaser that will live on forever in a back bedroom while the grown-ups do their boring adult chitchat on the living room couch.

The "Jumanji" team has not managed to match the same mixture of fantasy and heart, but Christmas spirit boosts their latest production to the level of solid family entertainment.

If it would just settle down for a few minutes, it might identify its spirit, but it's too busy trying to be all things to all people to just be its own thing.

But what "Red One" is really missing, what every Christmas movie worth its eggnog requires, is summed up in one word: magic.

With all its North Pole mayhem, Red One plays like a feature-length version of The Night the Reindeer Died, the Christmas movie spoof that kicked off Scrooged (1988). But that was satire, and Red One isn't kidding.

"Red One," a film that has the courage to ask: What if the Santa Claus story was like a Marvel movie?

This is the big American blockbuster of the week, and it is absolute crap.

The aggressively secular and gift-based systems of Red One are almost enough to prompt a moist-eyed holiday wish for more piously churchy seasonal entertainment.

A confounding project that is clearly trying to be for all audiences (it's weirdly kiddie-oriented, but feels more aimed at adults) and is so bad it ends up being for none.